We Will Proceed To Beat You In Your Successful Robe

Ok, so quick post…I am sitting in the airport on my way home.  Right now I am in Amsterdam, waiting for my second flight, and about every 5 seconds, you hear this…

“Passengers Bob Smith and Jane Doe, please proceed immediately to Gate G8.  You are delaying the flight.  We will proceed to offload your luggage”

this is what they say, verbatim, I did not making more jerky sounding, I promise.  Something tells me that when they decided to make this announcement template for late passengers, they had to whittle it down from something even more severe.  I am sure some in the meeting were not too happy about the final decision on what would be broadcast throughout the airport intercoms.  I imagine the original pitch for the announcement was something like this…

“Passengers Bob Smith and Jane Doe, please proceed immediately to Gate G8.  You are holding up the flight.  We will proceed to offload your luggage, after which time airport security will find you and you will be beaten.  If you do not show up within 30 seconds, we will contact your boss if on a business trip, and leave bad messages on his answering machine.  If you are on a leisure trip, we will contact your family and tell them lies about you.  It is in your best interest to proceed to Gate G8; that is, if you value certain body parts.”

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Another misuse of the English language that I encountered while in Kuwait was a tag that hung on the robe on the back of the bathroom door.  It was a standard/typical white robe for using after you get out of the shower, however the text on the tag was a little disconcerting.  Again, I quote directly from the tag…

“This robe has enjoyed considerable success among our clients.  If you would like to purchase a robe like this one, please dial “At Your Service” on your hotel phone, and we will be happy to deliver one to your room.”

Ok, so, #1 ) The use of the word “THIS” is the main issue here.  “THIS robe has enjoyed considerable success,” and #2) yes, you guess it, the other word is “SUCCESS.”  Pardon me, if I do not want to know that the last 50 people who stayed in this room before me got lucky in this robe.  And also, do they expect me to use this robe that is hanging on the door, or is this just a nice example of a “successful robe,” and I should call downstairs to request another?  The word “considerable” throws a whole wrench into the mix also…Were the guests at the hotel surveyed after their usage of the robe?  If they were, what determines that their success was “considerable?”  And regardless of the answers, do I really want to know anyway?  I knew I should have brought my UV black light.  I could scan for the “success” myself.  OK, and that was the line, there it goes, yep I crossed it.